Mood Red / GoldcapX · 2026 · Trip-Hop · 15 tracks
What stays when the wound closes. Scars is fifteen tracks tracing the marks we carry—gratitude and weight, dark parts and morning light, the long walk through fire and out the other side. The scars are not the failure — the scars are the proof.
i did the math i did the math more than once i did the math on myself i did the math on myself the math said no the math said NO and yet and yet i'm in my body i'm in my body on a tuesday morning i'm in my body and the coffee is bitter and the floor is cold and the cat is asking for breakfast that's not nothing that's not nothing i shouldn't be here by every count i shouldn't be here by every measure i shouldn't be here but but i am i AM still here still here the math was wrong the math was wrong still here still here the math was wrong about me the math was wrong about me (still here) (still here) i'm not gonna explain it i'm not gonna explain it to you i'm not gonna explain it to anyone i don't know how i got here i don't know how i'm still here i just am i just AM the morning is bright through the window the morning is bright through the window and i am the one looking at the morning i am the one i am the ONE looking i shouldn't be here by every count i shouldn't be here by every measure i shouldn't be here but but i am i AM still here still here the math was wrong the math was wrong still here still here the math was wrong about me the math was wrong about me (still here) (still here) i'm not grateful i'm not grateful in the way they want me to be i'm not gonna write a thank you card i'm not gonna i'm not grateful i'm not grateful in the way they want me to be i'm not gonna write a thank you card i'm not gonna
my arms my arms felt full of sand i could not lift my head i could not lift my head for a week i used a smaller cup so the water would be less the cat sat on my chest i could not breathe the cat was light i could not move i did not move i did not move the cat i was afraid without the weight i would float away heavy heavy weight the doctor said the weight wasn't physical the doctor was wrong about so many things the weight was physical the weight i could feel it in the shower the water hit my shoulders hit my shoulders and ran down the weight stayed the weight stayed heavy heavy weight one morning one morning i woke up i could lift my head i did not notice at first but i looked around when i looked around i sat down on the floor and i cried because i had forgotten what light looked like i had forgotten what light looked like i had forgotten... i had forgotten what light looked like heavy heavy weight
i don't have a map i don't have a map i never had a map i never had a map they told me to make a plan i did not make a plan i could not make a plan the future kept not arriving so i started walking i started walking i started walking with no destination i started walking with no destination and that's when something happened and that's when something happened the walking is the thing the walking is the thing the walking IS the thing the walking is the prayer the walking is the prayer the walking is the FAITH no map no map just the next step just the next step no map no map just the next step just the next step (she's walking) (she's walking) the walking is enough the walking is enough the walking is enough i used to think i was lost i used to think i was lost because i didn't know where i was going because i didn't know where i was going that's not lost that's not lost that's just walking that's just walking every map i ever had every map i ever had was wrong every map i ever had was someone else's map this is not my map this is not my map this is my body this is my body in motion the walking is the thing the walking is the thing the walking IS the thing the walking is the prayer the walking is the prayer the walking is the FAITH no map no map just the next step just the next step no map no map just the next step just the next step that's not lost that's just walking that's just walking the walking is enough i don't know where i'm going and that used to scare me and that used to scare me i don't know where i'm going and now i don't care i don't care because the going is the thing the going IS the thing not the getting there never the getting there the going no map no map just the next step just the next step no map no map just the next step just the next step (she's walking) (she's walking) the walking is enough the walking is enough (she's walking) the walking is enough the walking is enough (walking) (walking) no map... no map... just the next step... and that's when something happened and that's when something happened
i looked up i looked up and the sky was full of stars millions of years away from here we can't get away from here i was so small i was so small under the sky the sky did not mind it just went on and on and on and on... never been lost never been lost the sky saw everything i have never been lost there is nowhere to go but here... but here... the sky is all around the sky is all around and i know you cannot be lost you cannot arrive i was taking longer i was taking longer than i thought i would the sky did not mind it just went on and on and on and on... never been lost never been lost the sky sees everything i have never been lost there is nowhere to go but here... but here... i stopped one night i looked up the stars were the same stars my grandmother had seen the stars were the same stars going back through history the stars were the same stars i was so small i started laughing in the field the stars had been there the stars had been there the sky is the same i see the sky now i am not lost i have never been lost never been lost... never been lost... the sky is the same sky...
i was standing at the kitchen sink i was standing at the kitchen sink at four a.m. the water was running i don't know how long the water was running i don't remember turning it on i was thinking about i was thinking about i don't have to say what i was thinking about you know what i was thinking about something caught me something caught me by the wrist not literally or maybe literally i don't know what's literal anymore it was the radiator clicking it was the radiator clicking in the next room that ordinary sound that ordinary stupid sound that's what did it hold just hold hold just hold what i held onto was so small what i held onto was so small i couldn't have explained it to anyone i couldn't have explained it to anyone i'm telling you this i'm telling you this because maybe you're at a kitchen sink maybe you're at a kitchen sink at four a.m. maybe a radiator is clicking somewhere maybe a radiator is clicking somewhere in the next room hold just hold the small thing the stupid small thing it counts it counts it counts what i held onto was so small what i held onto was so small i couldn't have explained it to anyone but it kept me here but it kept me here the radiator the radiator clicking in the next room in the next room
i used to wait for the fear to leave i used to wait for the fear to leave i don't wait anymore i don't wait anymore i walk through it with my hands open i walk through it with my eyes open the fear comes with me the fear comes with me it's part of the gear i thought faith was the end i thought faith was the END of fear no no no no no no faith is showing up faith is showing UP scared fire walk fire walk straight through the middle fire walk fire walk not around it, through it the fear is with me the fear is WITH me the fear is WITHIN me i go anyway my mother told me my mother told me you can't outrun it my mother told me you walk through it or it owns you my mother walked through worse my mother walked through worse than i'll ever see she told me this once she only had to tell me this ONCE i thought there was a way around i thought i was being smart i wasn't being smart i was being a coward i thought faith was the end i thought faith was the END of fear no no no no no no faith is showing up faith is showing UP scared fire walk fire walk straight through the middle fire walk fire walk not around it, through it the fear is with me the fear is WITHIN me i go anyway (she goes anyway) i go anyway fire walk... fire walk... foot in front of foot... foot in front of foot that's all it is that's all it ever was foot in front of foot keep walking foot in front of foot keep walking fire walk fire walk straight through the middle fire walk fire walk not around it, through it the fear is with me the fear is WITHIN me i go anyway (she goes anyway) i go anyway
let me tell you something let me tell you something about the body the body knows what the mind forgets the body knows what the mind forgets the body keeps the score the body keeps the score, it always has i have a scar on my left hand i don't remember how i got it but the scar remembers but the scar remembers my hand knows the story my hand knows the story even when i don't scars don't lie scars don't lie the body don't lie the body don't lie the body keeps a record the body keeps a record listen to it listen to it your body is telling you your body is telling YOU listen to your body listen to your BODY the scars are not the failure the scars are the proof the scars are not the failure the scars are the PROOF the scars are the proof the scars are not the failure the scars are the PROOF (she's telling the truth) the scars are the PROOF (she's telling the truth) i used to think i had to forget i used to think forgetting was healing that's not healing that's not healing that's just postponing the conversation that's just postponing the conversation your body wants to talk to you your body has been wanting to talk to you sit down with it sit down with your body and let it tell you what it remembers what it remembers it has been waiting it has been waiting for you to listen scars don't lie scars don't lie the body don't lie the body don't lie the body keeps a record the body keeps a record listen to it listen to it your body is telling you your body is telling YOU listen to your body listen to your BODY the scars are not the failure the scars are the proof the scars are not the failure the scars are the PROOF the scars are the proof the scars are not the failure the scars are the PROOF (she's telling the truth) the scars are the PROOF (she's telling the truth) i forgive myself for forgetting i forgive myself for forgetting i had to forget for a while to keep walking i had to forget for a while to keep walking and now i am remembering and now i am remembering and the body is teaching me the body is teaching me everything the body has always been the teacher the body has always been the teacher your body is telling you your body is telling YOU listen to your body listen to your BODY the scars are not the failure the scars are the proof the scars are not the failure the scars are the PROOF (she's telling the truth) the scars are the PROOF (she's telling the truth) the scars are the PROOF (she's telling the truth) (listen to her) (listen to her) your body is telling you... your body is telling you... listen to your body... (listen to her) (listen to her)
a hand on the counter not next to my hand not touching it not touching i have a script in my mouth and i am not using it it is dissolving the dog at your feet doesn't know what we're doing the dog is asleep asleep i thought it would be heavier heavier turns out a hand on the counter not next to my hand not touching not touching
morning does whether you survive or not warming in the morning the kettle is on the sky is the sky is the color of the moon morning does whether you survive or no morning comes whether you survive or not just give it's views away or not lying because morning can i drank the coffee i don't remember drinking it the cup was warm that was enough dawn dawn is not a message dawn is a color i am seeing for the first time morning comes morning survives morning comes because morning can morning just morning morning morning does whether you survive or not
i'm going now i'm going now i did what i came to do i did what i came to do you got it from here you got it from here, baby you been watching me you been watching me this whole time you know how now you know how vaya vaya go on now go on vaya vaya con dios go with whatever you call it go with whatever you call it i'm going now you go too vaya ain't nobody coming to save you ain't nobody coming that's not bad news that's not bad news, baby that's the gift that's the gift you been saving yourself you been saving yourself the whole time you just didn't know it was you you just didn't know it was you doing it it's you it's been you vaya vaya go on now go on vaya vaya con dios go with whatever you call it go with whatever you call it i'm going now you go too vaya listen listen, baby the scars don't lie you been knowing this the morning comes you been knowing this too the body knows what to do the body has always known you don't have to figure it out you have to trust it trust the body trust the body the body got you here the body will get you the rest of the way vaya vaya con dios go with whatever you call it go with whatever you call it i'm going now you go too vaya (go with her) (go with her) vaya vaya... vaya... i'm going now... you go too... (go with her)
i made it i made it to the other side i made it to the other side and i thought i thought i could put it down i thought i could put it down here i unpacked my bag i unpacked my bag on the other side guess what was in the bag guess what was in the bag, baby everything everything was in the bag i brought it i brought it with me other side other side other side ain't no other side you can't escape you can't escape what you are you can't escape what you are because you are the thing you are the thing that's chasing you (she's still here) (she's still here) they sold me a story they sold me a story about the other side they said the other side was clean they said the other side was new they lied they lied, baby there is no clean version of me there is no clean version of me waiting there is no clean version of anybody waiting on the other side the other side has all the same furniture the other side has all the same furniture as this side i checked i checked the drawers i checked the drawers and they were full of me other side other side other side ain't no other side you can't escape you can't escape what you are you can't escape what you are because you are the thing you are the thing that's chasing you (she's still here) (she's still here) here's the thing here's the thing about it once i stopped trying to escape once i stopped trying to escape it the it got smaller the it got smaller, baby turns out turns out i was making it bigger i was making it bigger by running the running was feeding it the running was feeding it the whole time so i sat down i sat down on the other side i sat down on the other side with everything i brought and i said i said hello i said hello to all of it and it sat down with me you can't escape you can't escape what you are you can't escape what you are because you are the thing you are the thing that's chasing you (she's still here) (she's still here) so sit down sit down with it sit down sit down... sit down... sit down with it... (she's still here)
nobody asked me nobody asked me if i wanted this nobody asked me they just handed it to me i did it i did the thing i did the thing they didn't ask me if i wanted to do you want a thank you you want a thank you for the air i'm breathing i'm not giving you one for free for free i did not do this for free somebody owes me i did the surviving i did the surviving on my own time on my own dime on my own body somebody owes me somebody owes me, baby (she's not wrong) (she's not wrong) they want the after photo they want the after photo where i'm grateful they want the redemption arc they want the redemption arc where i forgive i'm not in that photo i'm not in that photo and i'm not signing the release form i kept the receipt i kept the receipt for what this cost the receipt is in my body the receipt is in my body and you can read it any time for free for free i did not do this for free somebody owes me i did the surviving i did the surviving on my own time on my own dime on my own body somebody owes me somebody owes me, baby (she's not wrong) (she's not wrong) here's the thing here's the thing they don't tell you the bill is real the bill is real and someone has to pay it i paid it i paid it with the body i had at the time that body is gone that body went to pay the bill this is a new body this is a new body and it has receipts i don't need an apology i don't need an apology, baby i need the bill paid i need the bill paid and it never will be and i'm walking around knowing that that's the fury that's the fury right there i did the surviving i did the surviving on my own time on my own dime on my own body somebody owes me somebody owes me, baby (she's not wrong) (she's not wrong) somebody owes me somebody owes me... somebody owes me... the bill is real... (she's not wrong)
i know what i want i know what i want and you're going to give it to me i'm not asking twice i'm asking once i don't need your permission i never needed your permission the door was already open i came in anyway (she said so) (she said so) y'all been waiting on me y'all been waiting on me to figure it out i figured it out i figured it out a while ago i was being polite i am done being polite boss boss boss i don't need your permission i never needed your permission the door was already open i came in anyway (she said so) (she said so) let me tell you what i want let me tell you what i really want i want what i already got i want what i already got and i want it twice i'm not greedy i'm just thorough i don't need your permission i never needed your permission the door was already open i came in anyway (she said so) (she said so) i came in anyway i came in anyway (she said so)
thank you thank you for the door thank you for showing me where it was i'm using it now thank you thank you for nothing no thanks to you i did this myself i did this myself in case you were wondering you weren't (she's gone) (she's gone) thank you for the lessons the lessons cost me a body i kept the lessons i sent you the bill you didn't pay it that's fine i'm not collecting thank you thank you for nothing no thanks to you i did this myself i did this myself in case you were wondering you weren't (she's gone) (she's gone) i don't hate you i don't hate you anymore hating you was using my energy my energy belongs to me i need it for other things we're not enemies we're not anything that's the upgrade i did this myself i did this myself in case you were wondering you weren't (she's gone) (she's gone) i did this myself i did this myself no thanks to you (she's gone)